Remembering Karon

My sister would have been 37 today. We were less than 14 months apart and she was 11 months older than my brother and we did not have enough time with her. She died when I was 17 and she had just turned 16. I don't know why God took her so young, but I have given up wondering. I certainly don't think anything good has come from it, I haven't seen anything that might tell me she saved someone else or anything like that. But I am okay to wait until my day in Heaven to find out.

I still cry and feel her absence regularly, I have pictures of her around my house. My kids know her even though they were far from being born. They know she played soccer and was really good, was well liked by many different kids....jocks, curbies, stoners, nerds. They know her funeral was gigantic, with 100 +/- cars (according to the police officers) and around 300 people. They have visited her grave with my mom and I. They watched us polish her head stone and trim the grass around it and then asked if they could polish some head stones of people who looked like they didn't have any visitors anymore. They know there is a head stone near hers that reads "Just another crummy day", it made us laugh when we saw it on the day of her funeral. They know she overdosed on her ADD medication, they know she experimented with illegal drugs. They know she was loved by me more than I can ever express to them, they know I miss her terribly.

Happy 37th Birthday sis. I wish I could have you in my life, in my family's life, I wish you had a family I could be an auntie and a sister-in-law to. I would have been a good one, I swear I would have. I miss you Karon, I miss you so much.

Well maybe I spoke too soon...

Now I know why I didn't vote for our President. After 3 days in office he has already reminded me why I didn't vote for him... The honeymoon, so to speak, is definitely over. First he orders the closure of Guantanamo Bay and now, according to USA Today, he is planning to reverse the band on federally supported abortions (more or less). This week has been a huge disappointment for me politically.

Finding myself surprised... in me.

I have been completely drawn, almost glued to the TV since yesterday morning. I did not vote for our new president and have some real concerns. But the inaugeration was really great to watch, to see the country all come together in this show of support that we haven't had, to see the previous presidents and first ladies, their families, the outfits, the smiles. And I was even happy to see the human side of this man.

One of my concerns about this president is that the people who supported him seemed to see him as a savior... that he will solve all of our problems and won't make any mistakes. So in this, it makes me wonder if all of these people really believe he is perfect and if they do they must not understand that only God is perfect. I was so disappointed to see that Obama and his wife did not mouth the Lord's Prayer with Rick Warren in the opening prayer yesterday, it made me wonder if he will seek the path that God has for him and our Country. And it scared me to think that maybe he wouldn't.

Anyway, so back to him being human... he stumbled over his oath yesterday and it warmed my heart... not sour grapes warmed my heart, but made me see him in a different light. And this morning in a press conference he made his speech and then said something like, okay now what do I do? Do I sit? And Joe Biden asked, do I just stand here? And can I have the paper to read the oath? And then the president said he wanted to shake his senior staffs' hands and started to make his way down and then decided, no that isn't a good idea you come to me, it will be easier. It was just so... un-planned out, not rehearsed, not planned. It was so nice to see the smiles and laughter about the learning curve, the human-ness of him and I am finding him likeable. I still have my concerns about his agenda, but at least now I feel like I can stomach to look at him and listen to him and be hopeful in a better future for America. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that after the election I said to myself that I will trust God's plan for our future and maybe things will be better and if not, that I know God will be there for us all. I will watch President Obama hopefully, try not to be judgmental of him personally and pray for him and the decisions he has to make, that they will be in line with the plans God has for us all.

I need some help.

Yesterday in church there was a scripture reading on Sunday that sparked a conversation for John and I...

Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he
who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Or do you not know
that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have
from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price;
therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. 1 cor
6:18-20

It got us to thinking, not so much about sexual immorality but how we do not take care of our bodies physically... with exercise and diet. It was just so amazing that we both got this same message from this scripture and were able to have a conversation about it. So we left the kids for Sunday School, came home and changed our clothes and went on a walk and had a nice talk. And this is where I need your help...

I can't find anything on the internet about it, but at some point in my studies I thought I read or talked with someone about.... God being first in our lives and then it should be our spouse and then our children and then "ourselves" falls in there somewhere too I think. Am I remembering that right? John reads in to that as it meaning we should love our spouse more than our children and I said no, that is not what that means, it means that we should make time for eachother because if we aren't together as one with God then our children will not be raised up right... I can't find that passage either. ARG! Anyway, John is growing, we both are, but if I am remembering this right, I need help with this conversation with him. I admire that our family means so much to him and that he values it so deeply and I would never want that to change, but I want our relationship to grow in Christ, I want us to radiate with God's love. Thanks fo any help you can give with this.

Feeling Thankful Tonight

I am feeling particularly thankful for my family tonight. I am thankful that I married a good man who continues to grow into a wonderful father and husband every time I turn around. I am thankful that I have 3 kids who are amazing all in their own ways. I love my family dearly. I am also thankful that my children have a stable home with loving, caring, religious parents. I know John and I make mistakes and we learn from them, but I know we are good parents. I am so thankful that God entrusted these 3 wonders to us and that we are doing right by them. Thank you God!

Arizona Cardinals

We are a huge football family we all love it... I mean LOVE IT! Well, except for Courtney who is trying but gets bored pretty easily with games and all our talk. Last weekend we were in Arizona for the new year and the guys went to the first round playoff game and had a fantastic time...

So then we watched the teams that were playing who would go against the Cardinals this last weekend and watched the team win that we felt the Cardinals had the best chance of winning against. And this weekend we watched the Cardinals beat that team too. Now our team is going to the NFC Championship next weekend and will be at home to play the game. How amazing is that?

A friend of mine told me once that our family is perfect together, we are all together because God knows our hearts and the love of football. Not that that is why or the only reason, but how great that we have this commonality going for us. Luke laughs at me and my comments sometimes, and John rolls his eyes, but we have so much fun. Josh and I are die-hard Cardinals fans and will always choose the Cardinals and what is best for their team over anything... I love that for our relationship. Last night we were watching the game (we had to tape it) and Josh couldn't stand not knowing who won, it was just too much for his 10 year old nerves. So he looked it up on the internet and kept the score to himself and sat on my lap and enjoyed the rest of the game.

I thank God everyday for my family and the things we love to do together.

Before or Now?

Ugh, I don't know. I used to be such a quiet timid person. No one heard a peep out of me, quiet as a church mouse. Now I have absolutely no trouble speaking my mind, showing my frustration and making my opinion known. I was definitely not as spiritually mature as I am now so why does it seem like I was a more Christian woman back then, than I am now?

I went to a church meeting tonight on behalf of the youth action team and ... well... it got a little heated. Looking back on it I don't think I did anything that I am embarrassed about. But I do wish that I was known as the quiet sweet little Marlayna that I used to be. I hate being so emotional. Though I have to say I have been working on this for several years and I seem to be better at keeping a lid on that simmering temper of mine much better than say, 5 years ago. Whew!

John thinks God gave me this passion for a reason. That made me feel better, I guess. It might have made me feel better because I am always giving him advise based on spirituality and he never does.

I am listening to God

I just love when you know you are hearing God...when it all feels so right.

I prayed that I would be able to find the words and when I found the words that I would have the strength to speak them and then when it was all done that I would find some peace in what I did. ::Deep Breath:: I quit being a Brownie leader last night. It's done and I really have no regrets. That is how I know that I am following the path that God laid out before me. I am making bigger margins in my life.

So I handed over the checkbook, the achievements book detailing everything about the girls, any supplies I had and said I would stay as a leader in paper only until the other lady got approved. I even suggested they find some place else to meet. We are meeting at my church and I have the keys and I just don't want to be stuck waiting around for everyone to leave so I can lock up. I am really done, I can feel it in my heart.

I did have a bit of a panic attack last night about it though. Before I told the other leaders about me quitting we were planning out the next 6 months schedule. We decided to take the girls on a camping trip with the rest of our unit which is very large, I bet there will be close to 100 girls camping. It is 2 nights and parents are not allowed. Only leaders and scouts. Um.... I realized later last night... I am not a leader anymore. I will have to send Courtney to these things and I can't go. The thought still doesn't sit well with me. A friend of mine talked me down a bit last night, she is a leader in Canada and made me feel better about not sending her at all. She is 6, too young to go 2 nights without me. Well Courtney would probably do great, mom... dad... not so great. Okay, starting to panic again. I need to remember that I do have so much peace about this decision and this panic is about Courtney camping, not me quitting.

Now I pray that when I tell Courtney she will be able to have the same peace. I should have talked to her about it before the meeting. ACK! Okay, did I just say that I had complete peace about this decision.

Some Progress

Well things are coming along in my house. The Christmas decorations are pretty much all put away in the closet under my stairs. We are having a yard sale this weekend so I went through some of the boxes and picked out some things to get rid of. Everything seems to be somewhat organized so I can easily reach my Easter box in a couple of months. Right behind it is the Halloween boxes and then Thanksgiving. My Christmas boxes have an area all to themselves, I have way too much.

I have been thinking about some things to purge out of my life, along with the purging I am doing of our stuff. I have a girl scout leader meeting tomorrow night and I am planning to turn over the reigns. It will be hard, but I just can't do it anymore... nor do I want to, I never did want to, but I just can't say no. I will pray for the words and the strength to do what I need to do and the peace to actually be okay with handing over my book on all the girls which I have put so much pride in. The check book is in order and I am going to look for the supplies I have been storing here to hand over. Keep me in your prayers.


I am also considering giving up MITI (moms intouch international). It is a prayer group that I have been involved in for the last 2 1/2 years. It is the most wonderful group, i have learned so much and the only reason I don't want to give it up is because it is a set time that I pray with another mom for my children. But this other woman and I have lost eachother along our paths. We used to be so close, I credit her for helping me with my walk with God and learning how to pray. But her family quit our church recently, her husband is putting restrictions on her that is making it difficult for us to meet regularly anyway and honestly we feel a little betrayed. Not so much because they left the church but because her husband refuses to return my husband's calls and because things feel different between her and I. I will just work hard to make time for my prayers for the children on my own.



I read a devotional today from Purpose Driven Life and it is about creating margins in my life so I can be more open to God and His plans for my life. So these are two areas that I plan to give up. I think the next thing will be the newsletter for my son's cub scout pack. But I am going to hold off on that for now. I may try to give it up when the cub scout year ends in June.



I encourage all of you to try to have margins in your life. Here is the link if you would like to read it... http://www.purposedrivenlife.com/en-US/FreeTools/devotional/todaysDevo/Devotional.htm?a=2782&z=1

Clean up~clean up~ everyone .... HELP!!

Well I am finally getting around to cleaning up the house. It has been hard to keep clean the last week and a half, first there is wrapping paper and then boxes and twisting things that hold the toy/item in the box and all the cardboard. And everyone has been home for the last week so it seems I can't keep the kitchen cleaned up to save my soul... I guess I will leave that to God.

But today, John is back to work and I asked Courtney to take all the ornaments off the tree, Josh and Luke to take the lights off and then Luke helped me box up the tree and get it back in the closet. Of course in order to do that I have to take almost everything out of the closet to get the tree in the back on the bottom. So the living room is mostly Christmas free, the pictures, lamps and DVR/DVD are back where they belong. But everything is still out of the closet. I can only do so much at a time. I hope to get everything put away by the end of the week.

I had such high hopes for my time off between Christmas and New Years... de holiday decorate my house, wash windows and screens, clean out the holiday storage closet. Nothing got done. I was so tired and had no motivation to do anything. I guess that is why this mess awaits me this week.

I am happy to report that I cleaned out my closet about 3 weeks ago and straightened my room and guess what? It is still clean. Wow what a feeling.