I feel that way about 80% of the time. My mom tells me that that is the way a lot of wives feel. I don't know, I seem to know so many women who have wonderful husbands. I read my cousins blog and realize she has an amazing husband and how I just wish that my husband loved me the way hers does. We are in completely different places in life. She is a new mom of a 3 week old and I have been married for 17 years and a mom for almost 13. I have been so angry with him for a long time and tonight it occurred to me that I was mad at him because I have to deal with all the adult stuff, cleaning and cooking while he watches tv and tells the kids to do stuff when he could and should be helping too. I know we compliment eachother because he is a great disciplinarian. I do not discipline good at all. I really don't need to much, but John handles it when it is appropriate. He used to be really tough on the kids and I didn't agree with his parenting on most issues, but God seems to have worked us in to a happy medium. I am thankful for that.
Anyway, I have been angry with John and I think it is because money has been so tight and he doesn't help me with it at all. I carry all the burden. I try to tell him when things need to happen and he says, we need to go over the $$... but then we never do. Honestly I am glad for that because it upsets me to talk money with him. We have had to put a lot on the credit cards this year, usually we pay them off every year with our tax refund, but our tax refund won't pay off more than 50% of them this year and he has no idea. I think if I sat down and wrote down everything he would realize it. But he just doesn't handle it at all and so that seems to be my burden. I don't spend foolishly... well most of the time. I do not feel that I purchased anything that was completely out of line that he isn't aware of. But I know it is going to be a very difficult conversation.
I know better than to pray to God for a way to get us out of this much debt without John knowing because I feel that ultimately He does not want me to carry this burden on my own, he wants me to grow with John in this area... I just have a feeling it is going to be painful to go over this with John. Don't get me wrong, not painful in that he will get violent or anything, just painful for my heart.
Another area that I feel that I am resentful in is that he won't choose the kids over his stuff when I think he should. That isn't really fair either. But the situation for tomorrow night is this... we only have 1 vehicle right now and he has choir practice tomorrow night at 5:45, he promised Luke he could start wrestling tomorrow night at 6:00 and Courtney has gymnastics until 6:00. So John says that Luke will just have to miss wrestling. Poor kid has been promised for 3 weeks and it has been put off for 3 weeks and I just don't understand why he would say he could start this week and not keep that promise. So he can go do his thing... I will take all the kids with me to gymnastics, we will leave 10 minutes early and I will take Luke to wrestling. John thought that was a great solution. Of course he did, because I am doing it all. Then I pray about it and I realize that this is the kind of mom/parent that I want to be, bending over backwards for my kids, just because that isn't the kind of parent John wants to be, does that make me better? I don't know and I Don't think it matters... all that matters is that is what I want and I shouldn't expect that is the way John wants to be. He spends a lot of time with the boys, he teaches them good lessons, he expects them to participate at church and demands respect. He isn't a bad father.
I need to keep praying about this because it feels horrible to be angry all the time.
